It is interesting to me that we are beings of constant change and growth and yet sometimes it feels there is very little that is different from year to year. Does that make sense at all? Sometimes transformation seems protected - a caterpillar in a cocoon; other times it is jarring - tectonic plates scraping along fault lines.
I am, once again, in a situation in which my job is in jeopardy. And once again, it is an arbitrary thing thought up by 'corporate' that I have to butt against and hope for mercy of some sort. If I were not so careless these things would not keep happening. I know that. Last month a friend stated that I seemed "surprised" by the consequences of my actions. I'm not, really. I'm more surprised at the things that turn out to be more important than I thought. I am surprised when my success or failure rests on something other than whether I am doing my job, let alone doing it well.
I am, six or so months after my last post, no closer to bliss. My house is not in any better order than it has been, I did have a savings account briefly, but that has been wiped clean to fix a random act of vandalism. There have been, in fact, several very unlucky things that have happened recently, and my only option seems to be wait and see.
I hate wait and see.
I also have a half-failed relationship smouldering behind me. I say "half-failed" because the smoke has not yet cleared, and there may be good news there after all. Again, it's a wait and see game.
Hate.
After five years of being unable (unwilling) to look more than a month into the future it was nice to be able to think about what I might want. When he left I thought he took that with him, but I can still see a future and I can still see some of the things I want. I can see how things would be if he does come back, and I can see how things would be if he doesn't. I will be forever grateful to him for reminding me to face the future head on. He questioned my fear all the time. He could not understand why I would hide from something that is completely unavoidable. I think he understands it a little better these days, but he is still fearless as ever. I'm trying to be fearless.
Some of my friends are taking it as a good sign that I put myself out there at all and was even in a position to have a half-failed relationship. Others view this latest man as another example of how I am spiraling out of control and must be stopped. My thoughts on the relationship vary, but generally speaking I am leaning toward the fact that it really is a positive step to allow someone to break through my various and impressive walls. My friend C says, "That man is not done with you yet; you have got to give him time to clear up his shit." C is not usually wrong. She also thinks that relationships tend to end the way they began - and since this one began out of the blue and progressed very quickly so did its end. This way we get to start over in a way. If we want to. You know, once the smoke clears and we are thinking clearly.
We have been able to salvage a friendship of sorts - though some days it seems more like survivors of an accident shivering together under and emergency blanket.
There is impulse in him, but no real malice. Certainly not toward me.
